A Cliché To Remember
by River Winters
Summary: A Draco/Hermione parody using every single conceivable cliché, stereotype, and overused plot in the book. Draco has a deep dark secret and Hermione isn't looking too bad after an amazing makeover...


**A Cliché To Remember -** a parody of all the Draco/Hermione cliches out there.

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Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away… There was a prophecy. And it was prophetic. It said that a lion and a dragon would get it on. Fire and ice would coincide. Darkness and light, Pureblood and Mudblood, a Slytherin Prince and a Golden Gryffindor, sweet and sour, Dolce and Gabbana (err…) would create a strange twist of fate that would bind and mold stuff. Yeah, that's basically what it said. So, without further ado: WELCOME TO THEIR STORY. THIS IS THEIR STORY. SO WELCOME.

It was a freaking gorgeous day and Hermione Granger was excitedly twisting a fat lock of her lucious hair between her slender, creamy fingers. The train ride to Hogwart's was, like, sooo exciting! Especially since Hermione had strangley, magically, awesomely turned into a vixen over the summer. Dressed in a snug little pink halter top, her newly blossomed bosum heaved seductively with her excitement. Her hair, which had somehow transformed from frizzy to perfect, had some _natural_ blonde highlights. She swung her perfectly manicured foot daintily in her Jimmy Choo shoes and abscentmindedly rubbed a smooth, tan leg that peeked out from her blue-jean mini skirt.

Her french-toast orbs glowed with excitement as she read the sex tips in her Cosmopolitan magazine. Except, of course, she was a blushing virgin, so why was she reading the sex tips? She was so caught up in the a-hem, "Rump Roast" article that she hardly even noticed a certain blond haired Slytherin at the door of her compartment…

"Well, Granger," he growled, his trademark sneer nearly destroying his left nostril. "Looks like you've…" he suddenly did a double freaking take, but he looked gorgeous of course while doing it. "Err, I mean, umm…"

And while the cruel Dragon of the Slytherin house stood there becoming more and more flabbergasted by the minute, Hermione did a double take of her own. Draco was HOT. Why hadn't she noticed before? The muscular muscles. The blond, platinum, fair, straw, yellowy hair hanging acreoss his silvery iron nickle-colored orbs. The delicate rose-pink lips… Hermione suddenly realized she had always loved Draco. Always, ever since the beginning of time, which is basically always. Never mind that the Dragon of Bad Faith was a pig… any guy with that kind of face and body was worthy of love. Plus, she was sure he was angsty in secret.

"Err… you look dumb." Draco finally finished dumbly.

"_Hoooonestly_, Mal_foy_," Hermione said, carefully placing emphasis on every syllable and wiggling her eyebrows to match. But then she couldn't think of anything else to say in the presence of the handsome Serpent of Slytherin, so she seductively (but not knowing it was seductful) bit her plump lower lip, and crossed her silky legs. Malfoy gulped as he felt a strange arousal… no! She's a mudblood, what was he thinking?

"Look," he said, suddenly looking afraid. He stepping into the compartment and slid the door shut behind him, his muscles throbbing and glowing and shit like that. "You remember when we were childhood friends… right?"

"Of course," Hermione replied, examining her french-manicured fingernails and feeling bursts of forbidden love within her womanly chest. It had been so… well, cute, when the two of them were friends. Narissa, who was so unfairly mistreated and unloved by Lucius, and Hermione's mum were best mates years ago… Hermione sighed wistfully.

"Well… yeah. That was posh. That was brilliant. Bloody brilliant. That was the best bit of my life." (Check out the Briticisms!)

Hermione gazed at Draco as he sat beside her and earnestly sought her gaze. He gently took her hand in his strong, manly, soft, yet rough hand. "I just wanted to say that… I… I… I… I… I…"

Growing impatient (and horny), Hermione leaned forward and a tender, loving, affectionate meeting of the lips (a kiss) occurred. There was tongue action. And just as it started to look like it could become NC-17, the W_orstBestFriendsEvah_! burst through the door.

"BLIMEY!" Ron shouted while Harry said "Huh?" Draco jumped off his little love kitten. "WHAT IN MERLIN'S MAGIC MANSION IS GOING ON?" Ron shouted, turning red and crimson at the same time.

"Malfoy and I were just discussing how things will be now that we're head boy and head girl," Hermione purred, straightening her skanky top.

"We're head boy and head girl?" Draco asked, flexing his amazing muscles and flashing an adorable confused look.

"Um, yeah." Hermione said with spunk (girl power! Rock and roll!). "The author decided that it would be a good plot device. Coolies, huh?"

Harry, who had been silent, watchful, and not to mention silent up until this point glared at Malfoy. "You little bitch! If you hurt 'Mione… well, I won't like it. But, I'm also pretty busy banging every character at Hogwarts… so I might not notice. BUT I'M WARNING YOU. I know magic."

Malfoy made one of those pinchy faces, but still looked freaking adorable. "Whatever, Potter. I've shagged every character at Hogwarts, too… except Hermione. She's untouchable… the one I could never have." He looked wistful (which looks really hot), and sent his True Love™ a smoldering look then exited, lost in dreams and deep philosophical thoughts pertaining to his forbidden love with Hermione.

Hermione was about to make a snarky comment when her stomach suddenly hurt. "Oh! This feels like morning sickness!" she said miserably, and worried that throwing up might spoil her perfect makeup. Hmm, what could the author be hinting at?

"I can't believe you, you stupid little ho," said Ron snappily. "Going at it with Malfoy." He shook his head and muttered to himself, which was very Ron-like and stuff.

"Shut UP!" Emma Watson, er, I mean Hermione, said prissily. "I'm siding with Malfoy over you, my two best friends!" she crossed her arms and looked pouty, which was hot.

Harry just held his head, which probably meant his scar was hurting. "Voldemort!" he said with a giggle, and both of his compartment mates went crazy like monkeys at hearing the oh-so-forbidden name.

When they got to Hogwarts and were having dinner (leave the author alone, who wants to actually write any part of the story where the two lovebirds don't share a scene?), Dumbledore took the dangerous Dragon and the fiery Farm (that's what Granger means!) aside.

"Well, you two..." He said slowly, his moon-like eyes sparkling. "It seems that there is a prophetic prophesy that says you stuff about you two." His eyes sparkled. "And I just thought you'd like to know that Snape, McGonagall, Fudge, Tonks, the house elves and the giants want you two to get together."

Hermione, looking sexy in her suddenly skimpy Hogwart's uniform, giggled. "That's really cute… but I thought I was supposed to end up with Ron!"

Snape suddenly appeared out of nowhere looking dreamy. "I secretly am very fond of Ron…" he suddenly became aware of everyone else. "Did… I say that out loud?"

"Yes!" cried McGonagall, Fudge, Tonks, the house elves and the giants. Uh… Where did they come from?

Draco, looking uncharacteristically humble, thoughtful, and considerate as he pondered. "But this would mean my family hating me, Voldemort disowning me, and my future as a badass Death Eater destroyed."

"You have little choice, young Serpenty Dragon," Dumbledore said, his eyes sparkling. "We will stop at nothing to get you two together. We have planned thus far…" at this point he paused and pulled out a list, his eyes sparkling. "Masquerade balls, parenting classes, surprise betrothals, dancing classes, as well as Convenient Plot Devices including but not limited to: a curse/potion/spell that will make you fall in love/fall in lust/get to know each other better or switch bodies, _and_ we will not hesitate to force you to spend time together in a detention or for a project."

Lavender and Parvati came out of nowhere and interfered, gossiped, and giggled at hearing such a thing. Draco and Hermione just looked at each other, sending glares of passion, fire, and ice at each other.

At lunch the next day, Draco sat with his "friends." They were really horrid friends, really… they didn't understand the deep depth of Draco deep emotional abyss. It was a pretty deep depth in the abyss.

"Draaakie!" Pansy screeched, and slid a hand across his thigh. "Pass the grey poupon!" she giggled and squeezed Draco's… er, little dragon. "Millicent Bulstrode and I are making a lesbian porn tonight, wanna watch?"

Draco recoiled. Couldn't she see that he was disgusted by her? Honestly. She was _such_ a slut. Draco looked at the boys across from him, who were having a deep, intellectual conversation.

"Errr… one… two… what comes after two?" asked Crabbe.

"I'm still trying to remember my name…" Goyle said confusedly, trying to eat his steak with a spoon. Draco rolled his eyes, feeling more and more emo and misunderstood by the moment.

Across the room, Hermione was looking glam and fabulous in her pink robes, her blonde hair styled beautifully. Draco wished so badly he could tell her his big, huge, big secret… but she'd never understand… would she? The angst was killing him.

"Well, Draco," said Blaise, "looks like you want to tell a certain Gryfinndor your big, huge, big secret… but she'd never understand, would she?" He winked at Draco. "I'd understand your _big_ problems… hell, I'd understand her _deep_ problems… if you wanted that."

Draco, infuriated and totally disgusted with his shitty friends, especially the observant and bi-sexual Blaise, stormed away from the table… and _accidently _dropped his super secret diary as he passed Hermione's table.

_Dear Diary…_

_No one understands. Daddy beats me and has forced me to be a servant of Voldemort. It sucks. All I want is to be a good guy… maybe even hang out with Harry Potter. He seems nice. And Hermione Granger… I love her. I can't tell anyone. I also can't tell anyone my super big, huge, big secret. It would destroy me. Also, Voldemort wants me to infiltrate the trio, make Hermione fall in love with me by way of fangirl friendly seduction to gain secrets and shit. But… it's worked against me. I've fallen in love with her! I'm so angsty and kawaii right now.!_

_Love,_

_Draco_

Hermione gasped as she finished the last entry of Draco's diary. It was all so sensitive, so emotional. She had never imagined Draco was such an emotional and deep guy. Right away, she went to his room (which was right next to hers since they were the head prefects).

"Come in," she heard him sob when she knocked.

"Oh, Draco!" she cried, then stopped. Had she said his name? It seemed so natural and she liked it. Forget years of calling him Malfoy!

She gathered the sobbing yet manly boy in her arms. "Tell me what's wrong!" she said lovingly, her makeup perfect and her hair glossy.

"I have a huge, big, huge secret." He said sadly. "I'm… a veela. And a werewolf. And a vampire…" he gently sucked some blood from her neck, and she gasped in pleasure. "OMFG who knew? Your blood is actually red, not muddy…" he said in surprise, then reverted back in to beautiful angst. "I'm also a Star Wars fan!" he cried miserably. "I love muggle stuff. Simple Plan rocks my world."

"Oh, Draco! My poor little dragon…" Hermione said soothingly. "I don't care about any of that. I have a secret too… I'm actually a Pureblood. My parents adopted me. And they're also abusive and I hate them. Oh, and I was also raped," she said.

"By who!" Draco shouted angrily, bent on revenge. "Harry, Ron, and all the Slytherins, including the females." She sobbed.

"Oh, 'Mione," Draco said, and the two started making out passionately, finding comfort in swapping body fluids. But suddenly, Hermione pulled away, clutching her stomach.

"Ugh… I must be pregnant or something." She said. "I've felt, like, sooo sick lately."

"You can't be pregnant if you're a virgin, Hermione." Draco said. "So let's change that!"

"Okay!" Hermione said, and the two NC-17ed it all night, but decided afterwards to just be secret study partners and friends (with benefits) because it was all so tragic and stuff.

Several months later

Oh, the sweet musty smell of books, and how Hermione loved the library. Running her fingers over the worn spines of the books, she found solace and knowledge in the haven of volume that was the library. Also, she met there with Draco to have hot sex in the middle of the night. Yowza! But lately, she felt depressed and emo and cut herself, slicing her tender, smooth, creamy, fair skin into gashes and cuts. It eased her gothic pain from the discovery of her pregnancy.

In the past few months, she and Draco had both been beaten within a PICOMETRE of their lives and gently nursed each other back to health, seen glimpses of a shocking future in which they were married, and Draco even caught the snitch, which made Hermione torn between smothering the Sexy Prince of Slytherin with kisses and feeling loads of pity for Harry, who by the way had turned into a pothead and didn't do anything but smoke anymore. O rly run on sentence? Srsly.

Because Hermione's parents died in a freak bubble-bath incident, Hermione was depressed. Everything was gloomy, and it sucked even more because Draco had mysteriously disappeared. Did I mention she was depressed?

So Hermione packed her bags and ran away from everything to the exotic country called America. When she settled in to her new apartment in California, she was lonely, depressed, and preggers. It was depressing and lonely.

But! One day her doorbell rang. And standing there was the Dragon, the Serpent, her very own redeemed and angelic Draco.

"But how…?" she said, blinking her cinnamon, chocolate, mud colored eyes.

"It's not important, Hermione." He said breathlessly, his muscles looking muscular. "Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time."

"I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich." Hermione responded dreamily.

"My Mama always said, 'Life was like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get.'" Draco said, lovingly embracing his baby momma.

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!" Hermione joked.

"Here's looking at you, kid." Draco said, capturing her luscious lips in his.

"You had me at hello," Hermione breathed, which was hard because Draco's tongue was down her throat.

And as the door shut on the lovers loving happily every after, Draco could be heard saying "May the Force be with you. Always."

The-freaking-End.

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Author's Notes: Well, _that_ was ridiculous. Hope you guys enjoyed!


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